


Similes

by LunchLich



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Asexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Asexuality, Boundaries, Canon Asexual Character, Communication, Domestic Fluff, M/M, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Queer Themes, Relationship Discussions, Set in Episodes 159-160 | Scottish Safehouse Period (The Magnus Archives), rated M for non explicit discussions about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:53:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25516069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunchLich/pseuds/LunchLich
Summary: Martin contemplates asking a question that has been weighing on his mind for a few days now. This early on in their relationship it hasn't come up yet. He wants to talk about it before it has a chance to.or, a jonmartin discussion of what being asexual means to Jon.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 14
Kudos: 292





	Similes

Martin peeks over his shoulder at Jon, who pours himself a cup of coffee without adding anything to the brew. He's never understood how anyone can manage it. He can only ever stomach coffee if it has four sugars and is more milk than coffee. He turns back to the skillet of bacon in front of him and watches the strips of meat sizzle and pop in the pan. He contemplates asking a question that has been weighing on his mind for a few days now. This early on in their relationship it hasn't come up yet. He wants to talk about it before it has a chance to.

"Jon, can we talk about something?" 

"Of course. Is something... wrong?"

"No, no, not at all." Martin flips each piece of bacon and flinches when a fleck of grease pops up at him. One thing he hated about cooking, the probability of getting burned. Or at the very least, the probability of a close call. "I've been thinking about some, ah, office gossip? I heard on one of the tapes. Melanie and Basira were talking about relationships, and how you... don't." 

"I clearly do, if I'm dating you."

That makes his heart flutter a bit, actually hearing the words out of Jon's mouth. They're new enough that nay reference to them as a couple still gives him butterflies. "I don't think that was the implication. I mean- the context of the conversation seemed to be that you don't- that you don't have sex." He sputters out.

Jon shuffles over to his side, grabbing the kettle from the second burner of the meek little gas stove. "That's none of their business," He grumbles. He pours the boiling water into Martin's mug to prepare his tea for him. Martin watches him out of the corner of his eye to make sure he's doing it right. Just in case. "I've listened to that tape as well, and you are correct. That was the implication." 

"So are you... Asexual?" 

"Yes."

Martin properly glances over to give him a quick up-down to get a read on him. He grasps the handle of the kettle a little too tightly and he stands straighter than his normal, hunched posture, his shoulders back and jaw clenched. All his tell-tale signs of anxiety. Or at the very least, signs of the masks he puts on to pretend it isn't there.

"Alright. What does that mean? I mean- I know what it means. And it isn't your job to educate me!" Martin shakes his head at his poor wording and turns back to their breakfast. Talking was easier when neither of them had to worry about eye contact. "I'm just wondering what it means to you. I don't want to cross any lines. And you don't- you don't have to go into more detail than you're comfortable with."

Jon gives a quiet hum. It takes him a few seconds to come up with a response. "I'm not sure where to start. Do you have any more specific questions? Prompts, if you will."

"Well, uh-" Martin turns off the stove and divides their bacon onto their plates. He gives each of them a few pieces, placed gingerly beside the toast and jam Jon had already prepared. "We'll start with the definition, I suppose. Have you never experienced sexual attraction, then? or is it a sometimes thing?"

"I don't think I have, no. Everyone defines sexual attraction differently it seems, so it can get messy and complex. It's hard for me to understand. Which... makes sense." 

Jon mulls over his feelings and how to put them into words. When Martin glances over again during the pause, he can see the gears turning in his head. "If you try to explain the color red to someone who's colorblind to it, they'll know what things are red. They'll know associations people have told them they have with it, but they still won't be able to see it. I know others do, but I never look at someone and have fantasies about them in that way. I know others would see a nude body in a sexual light, but there isn't anything erotic to me. It's just a meat suit, objectively."

"I was on board with this analogy until the end." Martin chuckles and makes his way to the small dining table with Jon not far behind. He pulls the curtain back to let in the golden morning light and the view of grassy Scottish hills, the village in the distance. The long grass sways in the breeze and he makes a note that since it's a nice day, he should try to get Jon to go on a walk with him later.

"What, 'meat suit'? I don't understand what's so wrong about it." Jon sits across from him with his proud little smile, cupping his coffee in his hands. The sleeves of his jumper are pulled down over his palms to protect him from the heat of the mug. "Meatsuits aside... following the colorblind analogy - someone can look at an apple and know that it's red without seeing it's hue. I can tell when people are objectively attractive, and I can still appreciate their looks, even if I don't feel any draw to it. If... that makes any sense." 

"Makes sense enough to me." He nods. "Again - stop me if I get too invasive, okay? I know some ace people are sex-repulsed and don't even care for conversation about it, and others don't mind at all. Where do you... stand?" 

"Martin. If I'm uncomfortable then I won't answer it. Ask any question you feel compelled to." He insists. "I don't particularly want to hear about other's escapades, but I'm not... repulsed. It more so has to do with how close I am to the other party, I suppose. With you, for example, I wouldn't mind the topic coming up in the slightest."

"Oh! Oh. Okay. I'm glad you're comfortable." He takes a bite of his toast and stares out of the old, cracked window for a few moments. Jon doesn't seem anxious at all. Now Martin is the one with his hand clenched tightly in a fist beneath the table, eyes darting and cheeks flushing. He wants to set boundaries, to find out where Jon draws the line. But the last thing he wants to do is to make Jon feel pressured or interrogated by his line of questioning. Or make him think Martin expects something from him. If they never had sex, that'd be entirely fine with him. "I think I have one more question if that's alright."

"By all means."

"How does libido work for you? It's hard for me to imagine having a sex drive without...y'know, experiencing sexual attraction."

Jon takes another moment to collect his thoughts and translate them into words that'll make sense. His brows knit together and he purses his lips. Jon's more expressive than he thinks he is, once you learn how to read him. Martin finds it incredibly cute. He seems to finally find his wording and says rather slowly, "It's like... hunger."

Martin cocks his head.

"When you have a craving for a certain food, your hunger is targeted at something. Though sometimes you're hungry and you eat just to fill that need. I don't have any target for- for those feelings. No cravings. I simply take care of it on my own to satisfy any needs." He takes a sip of his coffee, staring down his nose into the mug as he drinks. He straightens his posture and clenches his jaw when he looks back up at Martin. 

"Oh! Alright. That- that makes sense."

"Sorry. I know it's... complex. Difficult both to explain, and understand. It's a lot of information at once."

"No, not at all. I think I get it, as much as I can at least. Thank you for taking the time to explain it to me." 

"Of course, Martin. And to make it clear - just because I don't have the cravings to have sex, doesn't mean I'm against engaging in it. If you have your own needs, I'd be willing to, ah, aid you if that's something you'd want. In the future." He fidgets as he speaks by drumming his fingers against his coffee mug, a slow and steady rhythm. "Is there anything you're uncomfortable with? I don't want to cross any lines, either."

He's thoroughly unprepared for the question of boundaries to be flipped back on him. He's still learning how to set them, in all honesty, and it's hard to identify where his boundaries are in the first place when he's never been taught to stay. So, he's honest. "I don't.. really know? I haven't thought much about it. I suppose... I don't really like hands near my neck? Sort of freaks me out. I'm not much for dirty talk, either."

"Fine by me. I'm sure I'd be shit at it, anyway." 

They share a quiet huff of laughter and Martin smiles, a bit tight-lipped and awkward, and extends his hand over the table for Jon to hold. Scarred, bony fingers interlace with his and he lets the tension leave his body. "And- and we don't ever have to do anything you aren't completely comfortable with. I hope that goes without saying. I... mostly like the intimacy of sex, though. The closeness of it. Not necessarily the... shagging itself. If that has any relevance."

Jon nods in agreement and understanding. "I think that's the most I'd get out of it. Closeness and the satisfaction of making you feel good."

He nods. He's sure the sentiment leaves his cheeks an embarrassing pink. He feels... proud of them, though. Neither are particularly good at articulating their emotions in a succinct and healthy way, and maybe this wasn't perfect. But it was a first step in being able to respect themselves and each other as much as they deserved.

**Author's Note:**

> Hm. I got a little spooked out of using any ace-spec label for myself a couple of years ago, but reading TMA fics made me start questioning again. This was purely a fic for me to organize my thoughts through, to use Jon as a voice, I guess?
> 
> And it helped! A lot! I think it speaks volumes that I literally had to look up definitions/accounts of what sexual attraction actually feels like to figure out how Jon understands it. kinda answered my own question there, huh KNDJKNAHAB


End file.
